On Courage (and Fearlessness)
Oct. 12th, 2011 08:51 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beccastareyesThis started in a roleplaying game. I was playing a character with almost supernatural levels of fearlessness*. As part of a plot, she was (slightly) transformed and lost her natural fearlessness.
Two things emerged as I played her. The first was that she, unused to fear, took any sign of fear or that it might change her behavior as a sign she was now a coward. For example, being unwilling to charge into melee combat with monsters, even when she had perfectly good ranged abilities meant (to her) that she was too afraid to do so, and thus, a coward.
The second was when a god called them to answer difficult/personal questions honestly in front of every character present. Seeing her group's discomfort, she immediately volunteered to answer them all, without even knowing what she'd be asked. One of the other group members was all 'I thought you said you'd turned into a coward', and she was confused because why should being bluntly honest in public have anything to do with courage?
It got me thinking about the nature of courage, and how hard it is to recognize. I remember back before I was medicated for anxiety and had just started counseling. I had a difficult final exam in Planetary Atmospheres and started crying uncontrollably during the final because I felt like I knew nothing, studied all the wrong things, and was going to fail the exam, and the class and so on. I had to go into the bathroom for five minutes to calm down before I could finish my test.
The next day, I made an emergency appointment with my counselor, and proceeded to beat myself up for panicking. He asked me what happened, and then told me that he thought it was very brave for me to go back and finish the test, even though I was obviously scared of what it could happen.
And I just kind of stared at him because... well, leaving wasn't an option. It hadn't crossed my mind to leave before I had finished the test to the best of my ability. So it didn't seem brave to go back, because what choice did I have?
I'm a lot better now, but I still feel a bit of that when it comes to public speaking. As part of my job, I have to give a lot of talks about science in front of an audience. And, at first, I was incredibly nervous about even a class talk. Now, even standing up at DPS and telling strangers (though many aren't now) and potential employers 'I found this neat thing!' is barely a blip.
People think I'm brave, but it's more that I've done it so many times and nothing bad has happened that it just can't scare me. And, well, it's part of the job; I accepted that it was do this or leave the profession, and made the choice. For some people, maybe they'd realize they couldn't do it and leave the field.
I don't know what my point is, besides that it's hard to recognize courage in oneself, since it requires recognizing that a reaction to fear is noteworthy. Or, like my character, we can easily identify it when you rescue loved ones from giant scorpions, but not so much when you go back into a room after you've run from it crying.
* Not actually supernatural, though. I've played paladins in 3rd edition D&D who are supernaturally immune to fear, even magically-induced fear. IIRC, Kender in the Dragonlance books have the same ability.
Two things emerged as I played her. The first was that she, unused to fear, took any sign of fear or that it might change her behavior as a sign she was now a coward. For example, being unwilling to charge into melee combat with monsters, even when she had perfectly good ranged abilities meant (to her) that she was too afraid to do so, and thus, a coward.
The second was when a god called them to answer difficult/personal questions honestly in front of every character present. Seeing her group's discomfort, she immediately volunteered to answer them all, without even knowing what she'd be asked. One of the other group members was all 'I thought you said you'd turned into a coward', and she was confused because why should being bluntly honest in public have anything to do with courage?
It got me thinking about the nature of courage, and how hard it is to recognize. I remember back before I was medicated for anxiety and had just started counseling. I had a difficult final exam in Planetary Atmospheres and started crying uncontrollably during the final because I felt like I knew nothing, studied all the wrong things, and was going to fail the exam, and the class and so on. I had to go into the bathroom for five minutes to calm down before I could finish my test.
The next day, I made an emergency appointment with my counselor, and proceeded to beat myself up for panicking. He asked me what happened, and then told me that he thought it was very brave for me to go back and finish the test, even though I was obviously scared of what it could happen.
And I just kind of stared at him because... well, leaving wasn't an option. It hadn't crossed my mind to leave before I had finished the test to the best of my ability. So it didn't seem brave to go back, because what choice did I have?
I'm a lot better now, but I still feel a bit of that when it comes to public speaking. As part of my job, I have to give a lot of talks about science in front of an audience. And, at first, I was incredibly nervous about even a class talk. Now, even standing up at DPS and telling strangers (though many aren't now) and potential employers 'I found this neat thing!' is barely a blip.
People think I'm brave, but it's more that I've done it so many times and nothing bad has happened that it just can't scare me. And, well, it's part of the job; I accepted that it was do this or leave the profession, and made the choice. For some people, maybe they'd realize they couldn't do it and leave the field.
I don't know what my point is, besides that it's hard to recognize courage in oneself, since it requires recognizing that a reaction to fear is noteworthy. Or, like my character, we can easily identify it when you rescue loved ones from giant scorpions, but not so much when you go back into a room after you've run from it crying.
* Not actually supernatural, though. I've played paladins in 3rd edition D&D who are supernaturally immune to fear, even magically-induced fear. IIRC, Kender in the Dragonlance books have the same ability.
